Many times, it seemed no matter how hard I tried nothing seemed to get through. I surmised even with this so called “Law of Attraction” I still fucked up. Last year was the hardest year for me. Everything just went out of proportion. Relationships, work, family, the losses were grand I thought it was impossible to get back up. I was filled with self-doubt, stuck in a rut, fearful to do the things I was most passionate about, out of focus, depressed, so vulnerable, pitiful yet I kept them all up. There was no one to talk to. No one to trust and can be trusted because either I met people who were judgmental, mediocre or just plain hopeless as well. It was so hard getting by on your own but I had to since nobody knew; no one was capable of knowing and helping. So I forcefully tried my best to pull myself up and it seemed I made it slowly after telling myself some lies, slapping myself the truth and the reality around me of course, I made it. I was back to that smiling freak mode again and I told myself, “you’re doing fine. You can do it. Yes, a little bit more, more, more, more. Smile, smile, smile some more, laugh, laugh, some more because if you don’t and if you won’t you’ll cry, cry, cry more, more and more until nothing’s ever going to move forward, you wouldn’t like it, would you?” So I never cried once. I refused to I was strong. I did things on my own I was used to that.  I held so much of that string otherwise I’d snap and go crazy. I just didn’t know what to do. I tried figuring things out and yes I knew myself all too well, I failed. I was difficult to give up because I was optimistic at least, I’d like to believe that. What happened, not happened and what was about to happen were vindictive yet I only had myself to blame. I had been beset by the ill-thoughts running in my head. I was so afraid to lose more than what I had already lost.

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