rambling

Just imagine how much of a fool I’ve made myself. Always taking matters lightly from baseless assumptions. You see, I haven’t really thought about what an editor does even its definition won’t give it away until I was offered the job. Acting recklessly was my best key in life always saying “I can do it. I’m very good at it. I have done this and that. That should be easy. I’ll take the job.  Watch me!” I know. I can feel the annoyance.

Well, listening to the sound of a harp can make it less stressful, won’t it?

I understand that optimism can help you in times like this but without the experience and the proper understanding of the job itself, I’d say, this makes me no less than a ‘fake.’

Deceiving oneself can only take you higher than where you’ve already been and when your daily dose of medicine is served, you realize how pathetic you are when someone better appears in your plain sight, a real editor for that matter can shut you instantly; naturally.

“I hate my guts.” because I feel not having it won’t save me the face of shame. Hate to admit I only have my guts. Without it I’m reduced to something smaller than dust.

I realized this two years ago. If you’d ask me, I haven’t really made any progress since that day.

Shouldn’t it be the total opposite? I mean, you already realized your shortcoming next to that should have been a list of things you could do to change that, right? But that wasn’t the case for me.

One character said “For people like us (working maids), we don’t get to choose the environment we are in. What we can do is to choose our own path when we are there and decide to move forward no matter what.” How fine her resolve was. Not much like mine.

I’ve never worked as an earnest and devoted maid, but what she said somehow hurts my pride but at the same time release me from my belief all because she thought of something I could never have thought of for myself.

I’m always completely mistaken when I tell myself “I am a professional. I got a degree. I have studied enough. I got the advantage. I just know this.”

These arrogance, conceit, and selfishness always have taught me a lesson or two but, I was stubborn as a pile of dead rock. Yet I continue to walk down this dark path as if there’s nothing I can do or could have done to reverse it and make it better.

“I hate my guts.” I have looked down on people through and through like a decease that cannot be healed by mere touch. This may be far shown by my actions or words but, my thoughts have gradually made its conscious effort. Truth be told It hurts because the pain is real.

Ever since I felt it, I’ve always kept my distance from people whom I thought would get hurt or burdened by me before we could even form a good friendship. I never gave them the credit. I thought “They don’t deserve this side of me. Or “I don’t deserve them.”

 

But you know, I also realize that, whether they deserve, burdened by me or not, I could not really stop what they think and feel about me. What I’m saying is the decision to be with me or accept me is their option and not mine. I just believe their own resolve and move forward.

…

Though it’s easier said than done.

 

Humility.

 

Someone appeared in my life. I could tell I was out of his league. I didn’t like his guts then. He sizzled luminous light while I fizzled out. I’m not sure if a straightforward comparison would be appropriate base from age and experience however this was what I felt before. Something I could not even properly address then.  

I gave out a grimace of disgust. I looked at him and I was convinced that this person must be crushed. I could only point out his areas of opportunities. Something like “Time to get rid of the weed.” was spiraling in my head during his first day. How ugly and uncool of me.

 

A flat-out bad impression for someone who had done nothing but good things. Months after I learned about him. He was a real pro, eloquent and articulate. The person I misunderstood was a boss. The real editor-in-chief. There I go my pride was once again trampled on.

 

If I could be lathered with humility, I would have gotten a beautiful friendship without getting the painful burns every time we crossed paths. All days would have been awesome. (wonderful exaggeration)

 

Indeed, I may have to practice humility.

 

I want to continuously shine. When I shine that means I am not hiding behind a wall. People can see me and won’t have me misunderstood. But an artificial shine is clearly no match for the original. In the end, I am apologizing. I probably have reached my quota.

 

This time I chuckle at the bitter taste of the truth. Pathetic.

 

Oh Pride how could I not love you? 

 

I could have asked for his help. I could have said what I wanted to say. Could have chosen a different approach. A reset or a reverse would have been nice. I kept wondering, if I had taken a different path, the outcome would have been different. (?)

But I will leave that to destiny instead. I mean, if I have the audacity to fool around I may at least try not to screw it again.

…

 

 

 

Facing reality now, I should know the right thing to do. Whatever decision I make, I’ll make sure to be happy. Without regrets.