One more time

Hi, how long has it been?

I feel like writing to you again, this rather sorrowful and full of longing letters.

I may write simply and my words seem flying here and there.

But one more time, I want to remember you.

The you, who left that wonderful song in my memory.

When “I love you” is playing in my lips again like a ballad

and your warm memories that keep blowing to the back of my neck

whispering to the tiny hole that held my heart tightly like rusted shackles.

One more time, can I remember that person in you I adore the most?

I woke up suddenly and this uneasiness made me afraid, so foolishly, as if I woke up from a nightmare I wasn’t sure was mine.

How are you? When questions like this rush to me unknowingly in the midst of my space from an unknown territory, I feel so awkwardly impossible.

It isn’t cool anymore. I don’t feel awesome about this.

I wonder if one more time, you have thoughts of me too or have you totally forgotten the girl who was once clinging on to you not knowing what to do or why

While I couldn’t know my feelings then I kept making difficult mistakes; seeking trouble all the time when I meant to do well in everything.

I talked about this and that like flying saucers and serpents all together served to me at night when I remember how my heart raced towards you, I felt both grateful and miserable.

I seem to know what to do when my heart beats fast and I start to have these little goals, bouncing back from sadness and happiness and being crazy and oh, that tiny hope spread in my heart.

One more time, I feel good to peak through your memories like God working through his beloved Earth.

I miss you and the veins in my heart start to swell as if they remember the one person giving so much pressure in them.

I’m sorry, please I wish for falling rain to be falling stars tonight as I imagine you once again in my small mind and wondering heart.

“Is there something bothering you now? Let me help you.” I want to say but somehow this heart that cries with the same image imprisoned inside of it for so long I thought I had far gotten rid of…

I plead please..please..please…one more time, look my way …but now I am the one writing fantasies again because I want to return to your side full of warmth and smile.

Today, I believe I can recognize the years that had passed and the mountains I climbed to reach this far.

I wouldn’t say I am perfectly well but compared to the time I was lost, I think I’m quite in a better place now. I’m saying this because I can stand with my emotions once again and I can think of myself as someone who breathed so much air in the past that it no longer obstructs my way of thinking.

Before I thought of myself as someone not outstanding, I didn’t like to stand out or talked about myself as a public resource, it scared my fickle heart so, instead of focusing on what matters and speaking with value, It appeared that I continued to unleash useless words and frivolous actions.

I used to think that I wasn’t good at math and true to this day, I never once felt that I was good at it. It was something I avoided in the past. For me, although life feels like solving a problem and living it at the same time, I never once believed that I’d come up with one solution, therefore, I kept making mistakes and get ridiculed by them. While this should be the truth, that this should make me feel more alive, I willfully questioned it and look for answers elsewhere.

The ‘me’ who asks a lot of questions and the ‘me’ who just wants to surrender to all of it and flow through it, it pains a lot. Looking in the mirror seeing how I have so forgotten ‘love’ in the course of finding me in it.

One more time, the roots that keep growing beneath me amassing space secretly. At this rate, I should have grown a tree. A tree indeed but without leaves. having branches arching and extending everywhere as if reaching for something I feel I should have known by now…then, realizing that I have filled another space unfilled once again.

 

Want to know what I feel?

I feel like an ancient tree growing peacefully. The kind of peace that makes me want to laze around and not do anything. I feel like I’m cutting branches one by one like clipping my fingernails one by one while trying to supply the emptiness after every cut.

such a foolish act for crying out loud. I know.

I am not a genius, certainly not a prodigy but today I realize that even geniuses have genius problems to mind as well.

As for me, determination, patience, and hard work seem to sit well with me. I can’t give up yet. I’m on this journey and the results are yet to come. In the future that’s too far ahead, I won’t even promise that I’ll live a perfect life. But at least, even I, want to be interesting; to live this life like a heartbeat.

 

In the end, it will only make sense when it makes sense.

 

So one more time, I will never regret that time in the past. My words here reaffirm that.