I have a Black Dog

Love and hate seem to play tug of war inside me

Happy 2 hours ago then, feel sad the rest of the day

my emotions are really playing tricks with me

I can’t even remember having that best fraction of a good memory

staying at home for one week on a holiday while the rest of my circle talk about movement; being somewhere with nature

doing something; making memories.

But who’s responsible for me?

Not anyone but me.

Myself yet again—only me.

To be honest, It’s funny and I’m surprised myself

How even having this Black Dog  growing up

and,

still living with him until now, nothing much has changed I’m sure.

I lasted for this very long not having been bitten by my own Black Dog only he seemed unmoved.

I get quite comfortable by His companionship and

People who never take the time to know me blame it to my Personality

I was told, ‘Don’t mix it up with your personal issues.’ 

‘My goodness! Why do you keep making the wrong decisions.’

‘You should think! You should learn to adapt!’

 

Foolish.

 

Have you any idea how it is for me on a daily basis?

 

Foolish.

 

Because of your words, my brain now feeds me with “I’m not doing my best.

That I wasn’t working hard.’

that ‘I’m not enough.’

 

and My heart just couldn’t wrap around these thoughts. And my Black Dog grows even bigger in reflection.

 

Not long ago, I was prepared to fight. I showed no mercy because I so wanted to be in that better place.

Far away from this Black Dog. Away from me. Away from you.

 

Running away feels like a good idea-

You could say that’s how I lasted til now.

 

I contemplated and realized that there was no going away with my Black Dog.

 

I always want to fight it but my Black Dog only does two things: to grow in size and to follow me around.

 

How do you expect to fight something as unresponsive and as constant as this?

 

I certainly don’t know. and I’m always left losing my energy; always left losing my life force at the end of the day.

 

So far, this world has offered me nothing grand to replenish my energy.

Perhaps, it has a lot in it that nothing interests me like it’s supposed to.

 

That’s why my Black Dog stays, lingers, lives.

 

I’m already exhausted fighting while improperly breathing. It’s hard. 

 

I hate myself.

 

I pondered more. 

 

Should I continue doing this? Tomorrow never seems to bring any changes. It didn’t make me healthier, didn’t make me much stronger.

 

Should I live on? 

 

What should I do? I’m on my own. 

 

Those gentle voices around me make me want to look at the ground often and the people I love, I love seeing them happy and bright. I love seeing them healthy and proud.

 

Because I have tried it so far but couldn’t bring myself to this kind of a better place

 

as I wish for everyone and everything else to be better around me, I’m gradually being eaten by my Black Dog who’s now making His aggressive moves inside me.

 

I can’t do much about it now. My exhaustion weighs heavier than me, I can’t move.

 

It will only be a matter of time before my Black Dog can completely devour me…

 

I don’t know for how long I’d last this time. 

 

But perhaps it would be ok if anyone notices. I don’t care who they are and what they might be…

 

 

Please just hurry and see me.