Hi. How was your long vacation?
Well…lately I’ve been doing quite a lot of reflecting.
And it seems I was becoming quite adamant about it while doing my duties at home.
As a mother and as a teacher, I don’t see the difference between the two. At home, I discipline my children and I give an excuse that it’s all for them. That someday this will make them a better person who would contribute well to the betterment of the society.
At school, I discipline my students and give the same reasons why I had to do what I had to do.
This love and hate, hot and cold emotions are weighing too much inside me. And I was going on about it over and over and over again believing that this is the way for them to survive the harsh world. I guess I never really tried to differentiate my children and my students. I only look, only judge then, hope for the better.
What a load of crap I’ve been harboring myself. I think, if there was anything I mastered while doing this, it was feigning ignorance and indifference and nothing else.
Over the years, I feel terrible about myself. I realize how indifferent I have become to the people I care about. Because of this, motherhood and teaching become more of a burden rather than a fulfilling role.
I have strayed far and deep. It’s sickening!
I always ask myself if there was a poem I’d like what would it be and why?
I couldn’t think of one.
That was how pathetic and inferior I was. Then out of a habit, I would turn up and tell myself off, being a teacher doesn’t make me know all the answers. So not having one as a favorite or as a mantra doesn’t make me much less of a person.
Yes, I know. I’ve been feeding my cold, indifferent and arrogant self with loads of crap. So who am I to say that I am qualified and competent to take these roles both as a mother and as a teacher when I keep getting them all confused.
That’s why my children and my students can look at me with cold eyes with a forced smile. “What a hateful mother and a teacher, you are.” is probably what’s been going on inside their hearts and mind. As for me, I feel that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to change this.
And I keep sinking deeper and deeper into the mud. And I call myself a mother and a teacher in front of them.
How pathetic, hopeless and self-serving this space I created for myself!
What is the right way? What is the truth? And, what is the answer?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Please tell me, I want to know.
I’ve been looking but not seeing. I’ve been feeling but not understanding. I’ve been going through it but as a bystander. Running towards a cliff then falling over and over again still without finding anything.
It’s rather exhausting.
“I want to change it. I want to do something about it.” is what I hope to do.
So, this ignorant, self-absorbed and hopeless person that I am want to acknowledge the fact that I am lacking in so many ways. With this, I’ll work hard to be forgiven and to reassess myself as a competent and qualified candidate for these special roles.
I read a poem today by Na Tae Joo entitled “Wildflower.”
So, I’ll leave myself with this poem I’m quite fascinated about.
I still don’t know the way, the truth, and the answer. After all, exams aren’t made for those who already know but for those who don’t.
Indeed, It’s a week-long vacation! 🙂 ❤