Yes. Whenever I face a difficult wall, it becomes too stifling for me. I would turn my back and just give up on even trying to cross it. Let alone overcome it. Because I fear of trying and then making a mistake. Because I fear that I see nothing but mistakes after even trying so hard to overcome such a wall. And because I fear there’s nothing waiting for me on the other side of the wall. It would have been a huge shock all my life. All these have already been decided in my mind. And my heart automatically accepts it like usual.
I guess even cowards have their reasons too. Be it an excuse or just a simple ‘I don’t know because I don’t want to know.’ What I mean is, be it stupidity, stubbornness or ignorance for as long as it serves me well at the moment, that would have been fine. I would just accept this as a better excuse. And I can glide through my life. Easily.
On the other hand, while going on an easy but uninteresting life I feel that I have missed out on the important things. And because it took me so many years to realize this, it seems already too late to change or do something about it.
If I really wanted to see a better future for me, I would have just tried to see my dreams to the end. How sad that even a dream, I don’t have one.
So like a rebellious child, I kept whining and sulking silently about my life. Because then, I can just pretend that everything is fine. I can just go on without even looking back is how I torment myself.
Then, I can soak myself in regret for a hundred million times as if I mourn the times wasted in the past. Isn’t this what we do when someone dies? We mourn until we feel better. I feel something died inside of me and mourning feels like an eternity.
If I don’t do this I feel that I couldn’t hold my ground. I would just lose all my control and self-sabotage.
I’m not sure what I was waiting for and what will come out after waiting. Even this still is a blur to my eyesight.
I guess tearing up my eyes is the simplest way to let this all out.
Not making a decision and making a decision both put me on a standstill. And I’ve been going through all this as in a hamster wheel.
That is why I feel that I live but at the same time, I feel I’m not living it at all. It’s crippling.
But this poem that was written by Do-Jong Hwan entitled “Flowers that bloom when shaken” reminded me to raise my chin up again because there aren’t any beautiful flowers that bloom without being shaken. This poem is keeping quite a good company to my sad and helpless self.
I’m not sure what season that I, like a flower, will bloom. Not that it matters much. But at least now I have something else to think about and something else to do.
I want to do whatever I can. And if doing whatever I can mean seeing things to the end, I’ll do it.
I want to know how this would turn out. I wouldn’t even be asking a lot as much as gaining more self-confidence in the end. So until my stem gets straightened out, I’ll keep trying. Now, I don’t just even think about crossing or breaking this huge wall, in fact, I want to grow beautiful flowers on it, too. ❤