Phantom Pain

You appear in my dreams
Mysterious dreams that make me
a stranger to myself

I ask myself
I ask the universe
I ask sincerely for a better view
But I am alone

Oh friends and daughters of the world
Have I not come to you with a garden in my hands?
Petty and subtle
I know.

Yet our arms, hands and fingers remain broken.
I’m shaken.
Petty and subtle to the caves I resign

Is it because I have aged?
It doesn’t seem so.
I feel cold and iced,
my pain desires to come out of my skin
But are you even there?
Because the weirdness inside can spell it out itself

I always see myself inside my thoughts
On its own, making paths for others
Swinging or running through the current
Feeling sad and exposed
Even if I know the logic behind my foolishness
The outcome has been quiet and still
I turned around to learn
that no one was working behind me

petty and subtle, it’s crashing
when you told me I drifted
everything I gained finally escaped
the ends of my lips
traveling through the crevice of my eyes
I thought you were great;
but the outcome was quiet and still
You stopped after you have knocked on the door once
But left nonetheless.

Oh friends and daughters of the world
Have I not come to you with watered plants in my palms?
I have.
Can’t you imagine us sharing wisdom while tending the flowers around?
I can.
But for most of it, I have to pay someone else to listen to me.
I am made to wait for them until they are divorced-
exposed to the rolling rain and cold alone again.

Lately, I often find myself thinking about death
In general or specific
I turn to books and videos, some preachers
even to priests, to signs and cards.
I look for God in so many ways
My magnified obsession fuels my curiosity
That I feel constantly sick within
And I sit in a daze trying to be my own healer with everything I desire
but I find no refuge in any thing

My heart, there is something wrong with it.
It laughs but like an annoying whistle to a thief
It cries hoping to induce that natural Joy
Inside me, I’m losing every fight
As if I don’t have every right
So ‘if’ we all have to end our lives later
Then I will be there much earlier.