I still feel conflicted. But I don’t want to stay the same anymore. I want to change. The kind of change that even I can be proud of. I want to move forward even if I’m too scattered and too frightened to make the first step. I want to tell myself that I really can do this. I can move forward. Disappointment, excuses and fear one after one, I want to put them all to rest. I want to end this mental torture. I’m not sure how to get started and I might just be full on words, but this is what I want now. I want to accept myself. I want to accept what happened to me. I want to accept the fact that there are things out of my control and that no matter how much I want to prevent something horrible to happen, it still has to happen. I have to experience it. Maybe a wall is not just something I need to climb or break. Maybe I can also turn away and look for another route. Maybe I just did not see what’s written on the sign board or that I did not know that there was one hanging on top that says “turn around and go to the next stop.” Or maybe it tells me otherwise.(?)
But I don’t want to get stuck anymore. And maybe this kind of opportunity is not something I can only achieve now. This might not be the right time to break this wall. So, I must gather more experiences. Get stronger. Maybe then, I can go back to this wall and pursue the things hidden behind it. I will make it. Because I am Me.
One day just like today, I will look back proudly.
I can’t live in the past. And I know that in one’s heart, there are many knots we wish to straighten, break or keep hidden. But I can’t allow myself to stay puzzled and muddled like this. Not when I am yet to be the person I wish to be.
I can’t hold on to the future either. It can change anytime and I can shape it however I want. But for something far and is yet to arrive, I can’t keep on waiting and expect that the bus will arrive on time, in the same platform with the same people.
I still don’t know how my future would look like. I can imagine it. But I don’t want to force to shape it through unsteady grounds.
What I have is now. Who I am and who I think I am at the moment. I have this precious time now; my youth. I can dream. I can pursue my dream. I can be a sparkling girl enough to dazzle all my fears away. I can be free because I choose to be free. I can be comfortable because I want to be comfortable. I can take anything this lifetime has for me and give it back. I can love it and just love it passionately. I can get hurt and I know I will be. But I can be happy too. I can learn and learn persistently.
My life is a life that no one can live for me but only me. I can take charge. I will take the lead and take this wonderful promise with me.
I want to believe in the kind of person I nurtured within me. Someone who’s loving. Someone who thinks she can protect the people she cares about.
I am not a failure. I will never be a failure. No. I refuse to believe that I am a failure. It’s because I’ve gone this far believing with my own strength, continuously moving forward with the hopes and dreams of my people.
There are no disappointments. Only more opportunities to new adventures. There will be more sharp scissors lying in wait to wound me. But I won’t waiver! Because I am brave in my own right. And I am truly blessed. I won’t falter!
I will go. I will move forward. Consistently. Like how life should be. Like how I am supposed to be. I can do more and be more. I want to manifest things and be good at that. Yes. Move forward. Get started. Go on. Show yourself the life that is meant only for you!
From the heart to your heart,