Her: will I write? (I love Her but I can’t have Her)

Early this year, I did pray to God
I said Lord, let me meet someone who’s genuine, sincere, trustworthy and charismatic
By mid-February, I remember the Lord answered my prayer
He gifted me with a She.
I was surprised but not too overwhelmed by this revelation
I didn’t know what to make of it
It’s the first time in 30 years
For the longest time, I believe I knew who I was unquestionably
Yes, I felt scared, cautious but there was peace in my midst too
A sense of diving into the unknown came over me
I was at a loss for words
There was excitement, thrill and happiness too
Something more of my emotional consolation

This She was nothing extraordinary in fact,
She was the literal embodiment of that prayer
With no fucks given
And maybe this sense of peace within me came from knowing that
It was Her and no other
It made me happier
To feel more secure, stable and deserving

My initial interaction with Her was nothing short of extraordinary this time
She came to me like that of an old mom and a friend
Angels do exist even in the form of a family or a friend
And I didn’t know what took over Her at that time
But she came to my seat overly concerned about me
Saying, “Please hide your phone because someone has seen you sneaking it in here.”
I looked up. Perplexed. With a question in mind.
“Damn, the nerve of this girl. Who are you my Mom?”
This thought went wild in my head but I couldn’t say it out loud
I was sweating. So nervous. Bashful.
I got caught and She just blew my cover!
That was one remarkable moment I’ll forever remember
That was the moment I started to recognize Her
And to make more justifications
I said, this was the girl from last year who I thought was non-existent
I say this because we never really had any noticeable interactions
I just knew her by name. Nothing else.
Until the wind blew to a different direction
There was a huge change
New setting, new characters, tables have turned
Like the effects of Typhoon Odette
Where everything had to go so new skin can grow
Truly a wonderful message
A story of death and rebirth

This message resonated with mine too
I’ve suffered from depression for so many years now
Something so unbelievable if you are just a by-stander or an on-looker
After all, I hide behind a masquerade of “I’m the happiest person in town.”
Or that I curl myself up behind my creativity and artistic inclinations
So nobody knows. No one’s ever going to know
This was the highest goal.
To exert so much effort in shrinking my own truth so I can
Be that same ,living person that the world color me to be
I hide behind the veil for all the wrong reasons
But it was the cheapest, most accessible commodity that I needed to have
In those moments of staggering, growing pain and helplessness
I hid myself for self-preservation

Of course, I believe I’ve got good karma too
Eventually I made more progress as the years went on
And I have adjusted myself to cope with the natural change
My blessings initiated April of last year and until today
My world continues to navigate its course positively
And I feel the happiest as its receiving end.
It was an out-pouring of blessings
I have the Lord to thank for His eternal love and faithfulness

But the question remains
I’ve fallen for Her.
But can I have Her?
Well, she was nice enough to care for me
Like I’ve said She existed because of my prayer
She was drawn to me precisely for this reason
And maybe there is a lesson that I needed to learn here
And it was a lesson on unconditional love and self-restraint
Remember, to let go so new skin can grow
I like Her with no apparent reason
Just the fact that I feel a gravitational pull towards her
So strong that it is hard to resist
Yet so light that it’s insatiable
I managed to create a safe space for us the friendly way
I didn’t know how else to go but in a friendly and respectful way, of course
She’s intrinsically motivated, highly-skilled and a fantastic individual
She was a force of earth to be reckoned with
I realize her redeeming qualities instantly and I set her apart from the rest
Like how one does between a goat and a sheep
She was a sheep but armed with fangs, punches, kicks and a great deal of humor
I mean, on the surface-level I got attracted by these terms
But the heart knows what it knows and it wants what it will never have
Still, she was a living natural beauty and a legend

I wish I won’t have to let her go
I wish I didn’t have to push her away
I wish to keep her by my side
I wish to be with her when trouble comes or happiness flies
I wish I can do what I want
I wish Love doesn’t come with a price
I wish I can be with her until that day comes when She decides to leave
For her own good, for her own ideals and constant growth
I wish to be that person that stays with her and sends her off even if goodbyes hurt
Love is unconditional
I should be ready to remove their leash when the right time comes
When it’s their turn to make their world a better place
Still Love hurts in silence; Love bleeds in openness
Love is so beautiful that it allows one to experience all
And still desires for more

I love Her with everything that this word can contain and release
I love Her daily
I love Her
I just love Her
It’s my pleasure to fall head over heels for Her
I love Her beyond words
I love Her with every efforts known to man
I love Her because I got Her as a gift from God
I love Her because she made a 360 degree turn of my life
I love Her in moments of joy and despair
I love Her for the way that she is

I love Her but I can’t have Her.

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