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Let the demon out

Puke darkness from my mouth

The large insects and larvae

From my head now has resurfaced

As my body bends and my head turns

Let the harlot possess

The light it exudes

Consumed by sins

A pixie-slave

The idols in my brain

Idols are in my brain

They scream through every cell

I hear echoes everywhere

I let out a demon

Who roams around night clubs

She licks out blood

The blood of another’s spouse

There’s an evil in my body who

takes over this mortal vessel

And turns it a starving black angel

 

It is because love has died out?

Or is it because I killed it?

 

I let the demon out

 

 

 

Her story

My sister came home this morning

Out from home

Crying

I asked her if she had breakfast

She said she didn’t eat much

What took you so long?

She used to be busy during the day

‘Til she lost her job

So she’s got time in most days

Oh, why were you crying?

She was silent but in deep sobs

We fought again, uttered her

And I just didn’t know what to say—

She—coming from that toxic cycle

Was pathetic in so many ways

While I was the one who held her hand

My tears found a way to rip my floodgates apart

Looking at the bruises the MAN just knew how to mark

At home

A lot became litters looming on the floor

Hard to pick ‘em up they were in bits to crumbs

What happened?

She said, ‘’He was his usual self.”

She was at work

he was drunk all night

what?

Where were my lil tomatoes and baby ostrich?

At home, terrified and crying

Why did you leave ‘em there?

He locked em up; she had to run

The only thing she could say

Can’t we do something?

She said, don’t do anything.

She can fix it; she will fix this-

The lies she had to tell

It was her fault, she was nagging him

I said, shame on him!

There’s no way you’d feel sorry

For him who knew nothing

But to injure, damage and destroy

Why won’t you leave him?

‘There was nothing much I could do’ was all she had to say

And so leave him! I told her that

No, I can’t! she blurted out

‘My kids won’t have a father—‘

This and she left our house

She went home and found

The TV broken, the rice cooker

On the floor with rice spread in waste

The clean clothes now wet with urine, burnt

Some ants crawling and cockroaches feasting

On the fouled, soggy left overs

Poured on the pile from her hard-earned labor

Near the doorway diffused widely on

the mat-less floor,

her blood stained the wall after he

hit her with his knuckles

and every day, it seemed a habit

they both couldn’t adore.

 

 

My heart

‘Love never left me.’

But—

the actor did

And the salesman did

And the singer did

And the OIC did

Then the liar did

So did the puppeteer

The assassin said

That THEY just did what they did,

a PAST, indeed!

‘Love never left me.’

powerlessness

drowning under the sea

with neither eyes nor nose to see or breathe

an ocean filled with boogers, plastic and tin

now I breathe air gasping through my mouth

as I quickly sink

not even a strand of hair

that’s all there is to pull

my hair and my visible skull

above the salted sea where sea snakes loom

with you Poseidon, the sea of terror, the moon submerges.

I’ve heard a man

I’ve heard a man.

“He says, where your soul lives is unreal–

because it has been penetrated by another man’s logic, licked by another man’s stupidity, ruined by another man’s disgrace.”

Now dirty before his eyes.

furious as he is—

“He says, look at Cassandra! Elegant; so classy.

or Amanda, confident, driven and wild.

And Diana? Definitely far from you!”

They’re not easy to be unloved–

“YOU?

Exactly, the type who rekindles a strange rage of disgust–!”

ME.

If I have been a patient before your eyes perhaps,

I’m terminally ill.

My soul is somewhere else it can’t be an entity of your anguish—

with the words your mouth has belched, I know, you love no one in this humanity

a woman like me spares some distance away from

everything that sinks, by that, I mean you.

Because—

We just don’t Rhyme.

Tell me,

How many of Cassandra?

How much of Amanda?

How far of Diana, are you color blind to?

Tell me–

If I am ever easy to be priced and labelled like your three little women, too?

But If anything,

unfuckwithable, that’s me.

In thaw of anxiety, for the shapeless shapes in my brain

I am consumed by fear

I breathe out smoke not air

I feel my acid reflux has gone way overwhelmed

my chest running

all too compressed 

I feel somewhere where my blood flows a bomb 

is blown

It blocks my airways

I’m bloody dehydrated

My mind’s so big full of riddles from someone else’s maze

I can’t touch; can’t fart

I think they would stare

at my greatest fear

freaking out in my brain.

trapped in a bread store pressed down

and suffocated.

He could rip me to bits, I’m his slave

weaker than a thread when pulled so be it

They said count to 100 sheep,

infinite questions my tongue wants to urinate

like a tapping of a pencil,

the sound of a fan, 

three clicks of your fingers,

it swirls and twirls me down to a hole

this is insane!

Locked in a box with a razor on my back

unmoved, disgruntled

the box with its wall less walls

I’d like to turn off my thoughts

could I make it that far?

to hold my platter of splatter green and hazy painting mind?

or

do you think i constantly do something wrong,

a visit to the doctor is fine?

 

 

Hey, I cut myself

a little scratch on my tanned skin

a little hope lost from a bad dream

just a cut on my left hand it seemed

so light I didn’t notice 

Here was a lie constantly fed by an American spoon

just a scratch from a childhood game

came to me as a great excuse

Perhaps, a cat ran loose.

Silly you with all these colorful bracelets

a mere fashion to hide the scar unfading

why?

Have you been crying?

well my tear ducts opened and collapsed an ocean of water but could I truly say? 

From a bad dream

just I screamed

Nope, it wasn’t a wound

just a lie

      somewhere I heard 

this tear was hard to conceal

rather showed how “another try”  

so close enough

to let me die.

Hey, I cut myself.

Between meaningless and meaningful

Before the sun sets 

                I need to find you somewhere in between the mobilizing rays of the day and the paralyzing beam of nothingness.

But I can’t. I can’t. 

I can’t find you anywhere else but only in between the purest field of birds of paradise in a good soil and the dark blood drawn chariot of a cursed sky.

As the sun gradually sets in kindness, I can’t,  I can’t, I can’t see you around the swollen clouds of death and of irrelevance. 

It seems I haven’t laughed at the parody yet 

I can’t, I can’t bring myself to act upon the abundant noise of mutual futility 

Where fertility does not matter 

Where priority becomes not even the second best 

Where the choice to fill in the void is atrocious 

And I can’t,  I can’t meet you even within the exact rendezvous

Find me. Find me between meaningless and meaningful 

Whereby one is left to figure out the only ‘meaning’ in between. 

 

The only pessimism is to remain a pessimist

I am knocking down the concrete walls in the streets like fresh umbrella mushrooms,

Hitting hard the grand temples of your depressed mind

Pricking the waterless drops of tears in your soul-less eyes

And you tell me,

There is no beauty in family -abuse; raping daughters of sunrise, digging out family inheritance.

Absolutely No. There is no beauty in cruelty, in death in this world compiled in a black chapter book where there is only humans slaughtering men in abattoirs.

There is no beauty in seclusion, in indifference, in randomness even in the plenitude of human affairs.

No, there isn’t.

This world is a controlled HQ where us is kept within a panic room like a child with Asthma sustained merely by some allergy drops.

Life according to a neurotic mind is one remote control with a single click —– flushed out and doomed —– like an automatic toilet bowl invented in Japan or in Germany by another great scientist from the year 8080.

One day you’ll meet a tall, dark stranger ; a movie director ransacking deathbeds, digging deep to show NO beauty in a mother’s cry for her children’s dead bodies.

There is only enough limit in which the human mind can take the evil horrors of life.

So before we become more alienated…

Into the heart of darkness, let your eyes see the unsung childhood sailing away forever

Look deep into the pictures not of golden harvest and organic flush of wind but of war crimes, skin discoloration, the commercialized face-lift, nose jobs and tender oil suction, the poisonous bombing and the publicized hand-served of the UN tribe in a plate of dystopia.

Yes, you told me these words from the other worlds.

Yet as actors and bare performers on a stage with different acts and rotating backdrops, if you know,  the ‘cirque du soliel’ we are.

Go into the heart of things to witness how the world rattles one after the other as people scream in despair with a doggish mind unfollowing god -serving butterflies reinventing the color-wheel eight octaves higher.

As you perceive the Earth, human beings and life in general —

Searching for light with all the good beyond all evil in yourself and the cyclical mud-view that creeps into being,

With all these, you want me to figure it all out.

To see them in your light; I do.

Because we live in the same pig-pen fed of the same pig-sty.

Yes. You tell me everything.

But.

I can’t carry the same seed even if I’m the only one stupid, joke -immuned girl reduced to misunderstand the truth of life’s meaninglessness. 

You tell me, you have a much rancor towards life. 

Isn’t that unfortunate? 

To disqualify yourself of a single life with the way you regard life to be meaningless. 

Isn’t the one who contradicts it desires most of it?

If this is the ground where we lay the foundation, 

All must have committed suicide; —-

           removed of the vitality for life. 

My self: I never left you

out in the cold from my mother’s womb

i cried out loud for my father’s love

the lil baby I was; they all admired

put to sleep by my mom’s precious lullabies

when at night my father just couldn’t hold me high

years peeled off so significantly; now past my childhood where I should be

flying paper planes, jumping ropes, playing cards and dreaming mad of land so distant I longed to be welcomed.

days had been rough; I needed to be tough

I went to school without a dime, I carried with me just a lime

sometimes there was nothing to eat only the monstrous cry of defeat

I held my heart with so much care afraid of people to dare drop the only treasure I had; shattering all on the floor of glass

the ‘mango tree’ and the collapsed hide away, the singing streams of tapestry, my lil soul rejoiced them all feeling the oneness that life gave me

for a time a child must learn to sacrifice a life of her own

earning coins, bringing plastic wares and a gas tank as I ran to the school ground with my peach uniform not wanting to miss the flag ceremony

It was a day-long earned; hard work so my journey had begun

Failure was not a contemplated option as a young child I bravely defied

one day, someday with my dreams, goals, and a lust for freedom abounded

I should thank Quintus Horatius Flaccus for his phrase sent exuberance to my spirit that I only had to enjoy the day with little trust of how future played; that was how I exalted

With a naive and restless heart I made a run; ran to the street where no one did

I thought I won all the price then bragged about the way to my destiny but lil did I know what hid underneath; underneath the leaves and dried twigs was a long and perilous hole dug by a mole rat

A very climactic turn of events, falling right through the traps and snares where I couldn’t win again life’s enigmas nailed by the unspeakable stigmas

Was I twenty when I heard the first call?

I rushed again towards an unknown man a stranger of light cloaked in a merciful robe

warning signs all I ignored; to me there was nothing greater than the joy of being noticed romantically

how my impetus for the seed of love transformed; breaking and pulling then destroying the only ideal foundation I laid in secret then got torn

back then I carried with me a new life moving through its own rhythmic fashion as I became what I never dreamed of becoming at least in an age filled with evil doubts and multitudes of regrets

I was told, ” I had better killed it.” At twenty-one, who would have thought he’d be the total demon I never thought he’d likely be for in the core of my soul I knew I trusted one beautiful soul

I couldn’t cry even that was a right I had to earn for I was the reason and the only one to blame. I made a mistake; had to purge my sins

I grappled against life; fought a lot even if it was a losing battle. I had to stand and keep my position otherwise I couldn’t be that powerless woman to my joys in life

  Four years I kept the surging tides calm as to how? One must never ask coz beyond this light-hearted person I was– masked the fading bursts and flares of pure energy from the memories made half a century ago

All rational thoughts, threw them out of my window for I was whispered by pain and sorrow when He left and left me with everything he dared not to keep as I wondered wastefully how it might have been if only he was braver like his father used to say

Only assured that ‘tomorrow ‘ shall return to me the love I yearned when I bid farewell—

My self: I never left you not even in the period of heat and cold—

until we hear the in between of the scientific and the magical.