I love you.
But
You love who?
Secluded from the one I love
Sometimes NOT knowing anything of the situation can be very comforting as days are nothing but vapor. It rises up then disappears. Shapeless. Bodyless. Painless.
But with knowing comes pain. And fear becomes inevitable when it starts to take the form of a witch. One is forced to accept any thing served on the plate. This time, It haunts. It stabs. It kills.
stubborn
I told you to come and see me, didn’t you hear?
I had chips, a bunsen burner and a black quill.
Didn’t you even know?
Must I be repetitive?
Somehow, I guessed it so.
I’ve heard a man
I’ve heard a man.
“He says, where your soul lives is unreal–
because it has been penetrated by another man’s logic, licked by another man’s stupidity, ruined by another man’s disgrace.”
Now dirty before his eyes.
furious as he is—
“He says, look at Cassandra! Elegant; so classy.
or Amanda, confident, driven and wild.
And Diana? Definitely far from you!”
They’re not easy to be unloved–
“YOU?
Exactly, the type who rekindles a strange rage of disgust–!”
ME.
If I have been a patient before your eyes perhaps,
I’m terminally ill.
My soul is somewhere else it can’t be an entity of your anguish—
with the words your mouth has belched, I know, you love no one in this humanity
a woman like me spares some distance away from
everything that sinks, by that, I mean you.
Because—
We just don’t Rhyme.
Tell me,
How many of Cassandra?
How much of Amanda?
How far of Diana, are you color blind to?
Tell me–
If I am ever easy to be priced and labelled like your three little women, too?
But If anything,
unfuckwithable, that’s me.
Hey, I cut myself
a little scratch on my tanned skin
a little hope lost from a bad dream
just a cut on my left hand it seemed
so light I didn’t notice
Here was a lie constantly fed by an American spoon
just a scratch from a childhood game
came to me as a great excuse
Perhaps, a cat ran loose.
Silly you with all these colorful bracelets
a mere fashion to hide the scar unfading
why?
Have you been crying?
well my tear ducts opened and collapsed an ocean of water but could I truly say?
From a bad dream
just I screamed
Nope, it wasn’t a wound
just a lie
somewhere I heard
this tear was hard to conceal
rather showed how “another try”
so close enough
to let me die.
Hey, I cut myself.
Between meaningless and meaningful
Before the sun sets
I need to find you somewhere in between the mobilizing rays of the day and the paralyzing beam of nothingness.
But I can’t. I can’t.
I can’t find you anywhere else but only in between the purest field of birds of paradise in a good soil and the dark blood drawn chariot of a cursed sky.
As the sun gradually sets in kindness, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t see you around the swollen clouds of death and of irrelevance.
It seems I haven’t laughed at the parody yet
I can’t, I can’t bring myself to act upon the abundant noise of mutual futility
Where fertility does not matter
Where priority becomes not even the second best
Where the choice to fill in the void is atrocious
And I can’t, I can’t meet you even within the exact rendezvous
Find me. Find me between meaningless and meaningful
Whereby one is left to figure out the only ‘meaning’ in between.
Why?
This is love.
Why? This cup I offer you isn’t taken by you. Why?
Are you holding back for something I don’t know?
Thinking. Deciding. Hiding all of them underneath the sheets of the subconscious
Resisting the urge, the chemicals; guarding yourself up: through maximum security
Why? Why? Are you hesitant to walk to me?
Do I resemble the devil who wrecks havoc and gives you pain?
Why? Why are all the stars in your eyes sparkle as fast as shutting them off completely? Like a free shuttle freeing up to the space unheard-of
Why are you doing this Mr. Hanged man? Are you terrified juggling between two truths? One the reality and the other just an ocean of your desires?
Don’t feel it all by yourself showing me that King of sword act
Why?
Are you cutting me off like an icepop taken out from the cold freezer hard to be eaten, I should be chopped?
If you feel that way why won’t you just be honest, let me know if I’m causing you trouble, isn’t that the right thing to do?
Why? Tell me why? If you’re seeing me as the Queen of cups, shiny, all good, there’s no way can you be reciprocated?
Is this your way of saying No?
I suffer then I stop?
If it’s true that you calculate, can you also calculate the risk of getting it all right and true?
And if we remove some irrelevant pre-judgment, won’t our wishes come to fruition?
If this is so bad that you’re afraid of rejection then let me tell you,
You haven’t asked me for an answer,
Haven’t wooed me, for me to reject you just yet.
Why are you afraid? What is something that keeps you awake at night?
Justice: if you could give justice then leaving you would have been less painful, But.
Do you really want me to walk away from you?
Why? Why? What are you thinking? Are you really thinking about me?
Protection, Security I don’t need them all!
Why? Am I too incompetent to need all your shining armor?
I’m not! Deal with me the same way you deal the person you love.
Why do you see me so weak? Why?
Such brilliant mind only see diminishing results instead of overflowing abundance?
This life isn’t perfect and I don’t think I am. Neither do I feel that going and being with you will be ‘perfect’.
No way. No way!
But people don’t come together only to fill the brain but to feel the heart by overcoming hardships and grief.
We are work in progress. Isn’t this what you said?
Why? Don’t do this to me.
Please don’t make yourself feel as the only victim. You are not.
Why? Why Don’t you love yourself? Believe in yourself?
Who you are and what you are, that’s You. Just you. And I love all of them.
If you wonder if you could still trust me well,
Love me or don’t love me.
Trust me or don’t trust me at all!
Why would love be any different?
Compromising our feelings and the possibility of a good relationship? Deleting our precious friendship?
So why? Why would you let yourself suffer alone, I’m here.
If I am that sunshine you don’t need to be that shadow avoiding light rays.
You deserve all the light; all the warmth.
All the smiles and all the grace of tranquility.
Please..
Don’t do this. Don’t do this to your wonderful and lovable self.
I am sorry I hurt you, MY HEAD FULL OF EMOTIONAL BRAIN CELLS.
The irrational and the strong rational
in love
___________
this is not an easy thing to make
turning down good offers
Not materializing anything;
a bit of a struggle.
________________________
To feel everything; to feel them in you
how this irrational lady falls for the strong rational
Just trying and trying to love a distant soul
who bears all there is in a rational man.
_______________________________________
Oh! falling down a tree in this irrational lady
Afraid he’s not seeing
Him questioning and judging?
this irrational lady is not so insightful
in the eyes of a rational soul
Who doesn’t look at me like He looks at Her.
Abandoned
I saw the setting sun
through your eyes
as it darkened the world;
the world had blackened
before your tears, too.
your eyelids failed to open;
since then.
It’s my secret
Eyes that gape at you
In silence
Basking in every t-shirt you always
Wear.
Your hairy chest I’d like to hide
Not minding the time.
You smell awful that’s what they say
That I never once believed.
Wednesdays and Sundays are but a favourite
For your hair gets thrice as blacker after it’s ran by water.
Who’d think I’m crazy for you
I never met your daring eyes, never bump nose to nose, or stand on two feet inside yours
Guess there are reasons why
Everytime I ignore you
Your hard stare and dark brows
Complain
Silently with half a smile.
Was it yesterday when you wore those
Pair of faded blue jeans?
Melting my knees with your incomparable looks.
This one-sided affection and presumptive heart don’t
Want any more ploy and toy
That smile that voice that brain and air cool are
Too much for an encouragement.
Being around you is a lost love I’d like to keep
Bizarre, surreal no further than
This reality.
I mourn the days that turn green leaves to brown.
Changing one after one
Bares the heart-piercing
Hypothesis for
My mistaken identity.
So where do I stand in all this?
Truly I don’t want to answer..
As long as I have you
Near and far
In this demanding cell
I’ll not fail in this tremendous tale.
Like the nightingale so
Perpetual; it’s my sworn duty.
This silly mind wishes you’d blackmail me,
Push me to a dead-end to make me confess
How this heart never wants
Another man other than you.
But until then
It’s my secret, Darling.
A composite of me and the universe 