Many times, it seemed no matter how hard I tried nothing seemed to get through. I surmised even with this so called “Law of Attraction” I still fucked up. Last year was the hardest year for me. Everything just went out of proportion. Relationships, work, family, the losses were grand I thought it was impossible to get back up. I was filled with self-doubt, stuck in a rut, fearful to do the things I was most passionate about, out of focus, depressed, so vulnerable, pitiful yet I kept them all up. There was no one to talk to. No one to trust and can be trusted because either I met people who were judgmental, mediocre or just plain hopeless as well. It was so hard getting by on your own but I had to since nobody knew; no one was capable of knowing and helping. So I forcefully tried my best to pull myself up and it seemed I made it slowly after telling myself some lies, slapping myself the truth and the reality around me of course, I made it. I was back to that smiling freak mode again and I told myself, “you’re doing fine. You can do it. Yes, a little bit more, more, more, more. Smile, smile, smile some more, laugh, laugh, some more because if you don’t and if you won’t you’ll cry, cry, cry more, more and more until nothing’s ever going to move forward, you wouldn’t like it, would you?” So I never cried once. I refused to I was strong. I did things on my own I was used to that.  I held so much of that string otherwise I’d snap and go crazy. I just didn’t know what to do. I tried figuring things out and yes I knew myself all too well, I failed. I was difficult to give up because I was optimistic at least, I’d like to believe that. What happened, not happened and what was about to happen were vindictive yet I only had myself to blame. I had been beset by the ill-thoughts running in my head. I was so afraid to lose more than what I had already lost.

In thaw of anxiety, for the shapeless shapes in my brain

I am consumed by fear

I breathe out smoke not air

I feel my acid reflux has gone way overwhelmed

my chest running

all too compressed 

I feel somewhere where my blood flows a bomb 

is blown

It blocks my airways

I’m bloody dehydrated

My mind’s so big full of riddles from someone else’s maze

I can’t touch; can’t fart

I think they would stare

at my greatest fear

freaking out in my brain.

trapped in a bread store pressed down

and suffocated.

He could rip me to bits, I’m his slave

weaker than a thread when pulled so be it

They said count to 100 sheep,

infinite questions my tongue wants to urinate

like a tapping of a pencil,

the sound of a fan, 

three clicks of your fingers,

it swirls and twirls me down to a hole

this is insane!

Locked in a box with a razor on my back

unmoved, disgruntled

the box with its wall less walls

I’d like to turn off my thoughts

could I make it that far?

to hold my platter of splatter green and hazy painting mind?

or

do you think i constantly do something wrong,

a visit to the doctor is fine?