My self: I never left you

out in the cold from my mother’s womb

i cried out loud for my father’s love

the lil baby I was; they all admired

put to sleep by my mom’s precious lullabies

when at night my father just couldn’t hold me high

years peeled off so significantly; now past my childhood where I should be

flying paper planes, jumping ropes, playing cards and dreaming mad of land so distant I longed to be welcomed.

days had been rough; I needed to be tough

I went to school without a dime, I carried with me just a lime

sometimes there was nothing to eat only the monstrous cry of defeat

I held my heart with so much care afraid of people to dare drop the only treasure I had; shattering all on the floor of glass

the ‘mango tree’ and the collapsed hide away, the singing streams of tapestry, my lil soul rejoiced them all feeling the oneness that life gave me

for a time a child must learn to sacrifice a life of her own

earning coins, bringing plastic wares and a gas tank as I ran to the school ground with my peach uniform not wanting to miss the flag ceremony

It was a day-long earned; hard work so my journey had begun

Failure was not a contemplated option as a young child I bravely defied

one day, someday with my dreams, goals, and a lust for freedom abounded

I should thank Quintus Horatius Flaccus for his phrase sent exuberance to my spirit that I only had to enjoy the day with little trust of how future played; that was how I exalted

With a naive and restless heart I made a run; ran to the street where no one did

I thought I won all the price then bragged about the way to my destiny but lil did I know what hid underneath; underneath the leaves and dried twigs was a long and perilous hole dug by a mole rat

A very climactic turn of events, falling right through the traps and snares where I couldn’t win again life’s enigmas nailed by the unspeakable stigmas

Was I twenty when I heard the first call?

I rushed again towards an unknown man a stranger of light cloaked in a merciful robe

warning signs all I ignored; to me there was nothing greater than the joy of being noticed romantically

how my impetus for the seed of love transformed; breaking and pulling then destroying the only ideal foundation I laid in secret then got torn

back then I carried with me a new life moving through its own rhythmic fashion as I became what I never dreamed of becoming at least in an age filled with evil doubts and multitudes of regrets

I was told, ” I had better killed it.” At twenty-one, who would have thought he’d be the total demon I never thought he’d likely be for in the core of my soul I knew I trusted one beautiful soul

I couldn’t cry even that was a right I had to earn for I was the reason and the only one to blame. I made a mistake; had to purge my sins

I grappled against life; fought a lot even if it was a losing battle. I had to stand and keep my position otherwise I couldn’t be that powerless woman to my joys in life

  Four years I kept the surging tides calm as to how? One must never ask coz beyond this light-hearted person I was– masked the fading bursts and flares of pure energy from the memories made half a century ago

All rational thoughts, threw them out of my window for I was whispered by pain and sorrow when He left and left me with everything he dared not to keep as I wondered wastefully how it might have been if only he was braver like his father used to say

Only assured that ‘tomorrow ‘ shall return to me the love I yearned when I bid farewell—

My self: I never left you not even in the period of heat and cold—

until we hear the in between of the scientific and the magical.

 

All my life

My life is a lie 

Living in the wrong skin 

Moving in the wrong space 

Beg to people I hardly even know 

It seems my childhood has flown by

Stuck in the past I still mind 

Everyone is sick 

And I haven’t got a dose of mine 

Now holding a loose rope 

Of loosened strings 

And difficult wirings

Tell me what’s a girl got to do? 

To live it through and through? 

Or forget it so and so?

I follow the world with enough consistency 

However, the one who lives it isn’t the real me 

Masks each tear a promise 

To survive time 

But the one self inside simply just wants to die 

I’ve gone far strangely enough 

Been to some places happy 

And served few men as their deity 

But I’ve never really been to me. 

I

I am a person who lives well in solitude. I am not lonely. And although some days, people may find themselves offended by my strict adherence to such an adventure, I take no pride in it. When I have the luxury, I prefer to look deep into the bottom of my cup when I drink coffee than to look above it. Take me out of it and I’ll famish. My creativity is stimulated when I’m left in discourse with my true self. Let me dwell on it in order to find the world in a much lighter perspective. The blackness of the room is sunlight to me so when I want to breathe, I just need to be.

My Moon

Oh! What’s with the moon I can’t resist?

Perhaps, its light that shines my sullen night?

Or is it its silver skin that coats my cold heart?

Maybe the moon itself and the stars lay upon!

O moon! , your aphrodisiac spell teases me

Warms my very soul

Makes me act like a strip-tease

I look up to you and I am relieved!

Do I have to say goodnight?

Or stay awake for the whole night?

This must be something? I guess.

Oh! But yes this is.

Oh moon!

Oh love my lover!

Spread your light and hug me tight!

This longing I keep for so long…

Cripples me and wants some more

I wonder how I ever reach you

You’re far so far away!

No matter how I stretch my arms

A hint of failure appears so strong

As the streak of light ascends at five

My hopes and dreams quickly descend

I’ll wait for another Night, we meet

For this time the sun is up above!

Journal entry #1 What I want in a partner

I’m a child wrapped in the arms of a caring sister; a sister innate in me who values life as much as the child within me. Though life may seem rigid and tough she never forgets the lady, she is. Her free-spirited, cheerful and amiable beauty radiantly excites the world around her. But when my path veered to what I thought was the one for me; I crumbled. I  was stricken with grief and vexation. It made me gnaw at its merciless impact. I knew then that the first cut hurts the deepest.

My past taught me as well. So much lessons I had to keep hammering. I know I’ve a lot more work to do to try to figure out my life now. And I will. I’m working my way through it. There was a time when I vowed to never repeat the same mistakes about who I let in my life, It was very taxing  and toilsome. This time, I’m taking my time to prepare myself to be my best version as well. For now, here are four of the things I want in a partner for the woman in me.

• Has his own identity; someone who never lets himself go in a relationship.
•  Self-motivated
• Shares the same dreams and goals
• Committed to do the hard work

When I think about it I just can’t help but smile because I know that the road to success has just begun. It’s about time I raise the bar.

-Poem-

Afflicted by the irreconcilable past

hoisted by distrusts and fights

A boy; never loved himself

severed the so-called ties

Blame no one but ourselves

Let the heavens tremored;

plagued the land

lashed judgment

For once we were denounced

children of the flock.

Now I have fasted

Appeased the gods

from the errors that

punctured my heart

A girl; overflowed with warmth

awakened to tend her mead.

alone.

For her descendants

For their meads

For their skies

not weeds.

Time is a friend.

Setted the plains

Colored the firmament

Called the gays

To move the waves;

To lift mountains.

then, she’d soar.

Higher her perch above

overlooking the forked roads.

Maybe in my sleep I’ll be comforted

I wake up with it to be rational.

Tell me.

What does it take to be rational?

When I’m more of the heart than the mind?

Tell me.

What does it take to think rationally?

When I cry most of the time at night?

Tell me.

What does it take to be rational?

I eat words. My body is oiled with phonemes

and morphemes. Encyclopedia? I read it sometimes.

I ask and answer questions intensely like when I scream over the cliff and it

echoes just. Or when you ask snow white’s magic mirror and it answers fast.

Philosophers? Scientists? I’ve read their stories.

I think I am rational.

But,

You.

How long can you stay rational?

Look at the chopping board. It’s stabbed by a knife 10,000 times.

Say you are that chopping board.

How do you stay rational after your heart’s been butchered 10,000 times?

Hmm..

Ok. Let’s try the night.

The night is cold, black, heavy and lonely it sends you to utter depression.

Say you are that night.

How can you think rationally when your head’s been coated with such an impenetrable darkness?

I think that’s a bad analogy.

What about the logs?

They are cut from big trees, stock-piled for winter and burnt in the chimney after.

Say you are those logs.

How long can you be rational?

When your soul’s been burnt like logs?

Forgive me. I know.

Lemme try it again.

What about the garbage in the landfill. Some have decayed. Mostly haven’t.

Say you are the garbage yourself in that landfill.

How do you keep a rational thinking?

When the world sees you as a garbage to be disposed?

Or

How do you stay rational after you’ve been betrayed and left to suffer alone?

Alright. Here’s the last one. I won’t bother to make a scene.

What about the land?

It has been stepped on, ran over by 10-wheeler trucks, suffocated by hot asphalt, mined, bombed, deforested, transformed, neglected even; in art.

Say you are that land which holds the earth.

Do you think you can still be rational after you’ve taken all these alone?

Perhaps.

 

But,

No wonder I’ve gone astray.

For trying so hard to be rational at all times…

 

To be all knowing?

 

I need more sleep.

 

 

Because

 

Maybe in my sleep I’ll be comforted.

 

 

Or

 

 

 

Probably not?

 

Really fucking sad; really fucking wrong 😔

My intention was to write for myself, to uplift my world that I often found too full for me; the devastation it brought in my life that made me mad about myself. I thought writing dedicated to myself could heal me, bring me back the spirit I innumerably lost; could help me stand against my own rampaging demons. I thought I could still impress myself with my own articulate words, persuasive and sincere ideas built around my unearthly fantasies and delusions. While these reasons were still true, I realized I no longer write solely for myself, for the sheer pleasure of it, I realized I no longer desire to solely impress myself. My desperation for aesthetics and self-appreciation and expression had caused me so much that I wanted you to be desperate for my words and letters, be impressed by me, desperate for me and hopefully beyond romantic, too.  But the limbo I created, the bubbles I carefully kept not to burst and the ink I spared for you alone collapsed, bursted and spilt for the life of me. And it was sad. It was really fucking sad that you didn’t feel the same way; that all along it was only me living in the dungeon of love and romance. When I deluded myself thinking that the world supported me or was moved by the unwavering affection I had for you; I was wrong. And again I was fucking wrong! Now broken and numb I don’t know how else I could bring myself to stand again; to believe in love and to believe in my ability to discern things and its driving force. I’m ashamed of myself for trying so hard, for desiring so much and for not going against my will. I’m mad because I was stupid; stupid to fall for you. Yet here I am quite unapologetic for my self-made mistakes, convincing myself to at least hear what you have to say, an explanation that you probably don’t even know what and why you have to. I was so wrapped up, too carried away, too smitten and too hurled up by the good things you naturally do to me. I thought I saw your eyes glistened for me because I was intimately special for you. But then and again, you weren’t and I didn’t turn you on enough for you to want me. And it was really sad. It was fucking sad that I was wrong so wrong.

I wished I was better. No. I wished I thought things out critically when I worked so hard to finish the feelings I embroidered on a white cloth for you, the hopes I knitted using a more refined yarn for a future you and me and the cross-stitch I was proud of doing in all the days I devoted for you.

I knew It was my fault. Just that…

It was really fucking sad; really fucking wrong.

-Poem-

Once you were

the source of my desire;

A shelter to my dreams in

A paradise I held thrice.

Locked you up in

a heart called mine

Betrayed by the emotions

I held through time.

Without you dreams

could never fly

like a kite,

Dead of the wind oh my.

In the sky I dreamt 

To mind.

Desperate and cold was I

For fooling myself then cry.

I spoke first but didn’t think twice

So great I made multiple crimes.

Wished we had so much time

To know the language we never

Knew will find

In a place heard not

Of escapes and a flight

But of love and home

Reunite.

Weekend orgy

Let’s sum this up!

Friday is rough.

Let’s have some fun.

I’d like a man!

Don’t hang the phone

you won’t be alone.

Let’s go to the pub

I need a hug

Hmmm…

Come on ease my tension!

Darn, I’d like you mention

a beer and affection

to feel the sensation

in a crowd full of attention.

straighten up a bit

cos I feel so wet

I’d like to get a grip

of your vertigo stick!

Now, sit down; drink up

I’ll warm you up.

Lemme dance my way into your lap

to give you that easy-peasy lemon squeezy rub

so you can get so hard up!

 

Relax honey; this is so intense!

To fuck you close-packed with such suspense.

 

So, what do you say?

Would you like it dirtier; meaner Saturday?

We can invite some friends to make it a three-some play.

Don’t worry sweetheart.

I’ll make it up to you wild Sunday

so we can have it long all day!

 

Ohh..

healthy weekend orgies! 

just can’t wait for more…

 

heated rounds?

I couldn’t agree more!

 

 

 

The story she never wants to tell

Our present wretchedness

who can support life and reason under such a disgrace?

the greatest gift, if any.

Say not a word to it. Hear nothing, surmise nothing, whisper nothing til

 

she writes herself again..

To my daughter, Audrey

On your Birthday

Days flipped like a book’s page

I didn’t notice the flap it contained

the image when I held you through grace

Now it’s almost three years

but it seems you never age.

I wish you remembered your

first birthday

when we celebrated it with

Papa and Grannies,

You were so happy you

kicked your cake when the

camera flicked.

Icing swirled around your toe

and we sang you a birthday

song.

November 22; what a festive day

cos it’s going to be another one

historic day.

Sweetheart it’s your birthday!

But this time Papa and Grannies

won’t be there;

that it won’t be the same.

With your tiny voice no words came out;

you wouldn’t look for them

the way you should cos

you’d think they never left and

you’d still play.

Your giggles and energy and

cuddles here and more there

You’re beautiful, you’re mighty

you’re blissful; I ask no more.

Excuses, alibis and reasons

won’t buy your time

much more the ones inside your heart

I’m sorry Baby if it has to be

as dark as this on your birthday.

I know your sad; I understand your mad

But I hope one day, only destiny can tell

the day when circumstances are bare

And I can tell you straight everything

worth your pain; worth your wait.

No. I wouldn’t expect you’d 

accept; more so understand

cos none of you & your brother

is

at fault; or to blame.

What happened between me and Pa

remained a fact and I bled cos

it didn’t last.

Years and more of those 

years you’ll gaze before your tears

They won’t run dry; they never will

and then

it would be like heated sea salt

to a grated wound

And I’m so sorry sweetie if it had to be

I wish I could contain all your sorrows

and mental stress

but how much of ’em I needed to know

when It was you my dear who was in distress.

Please don’t cry; don’t cry my love.

Know that I’m here for you.

I won’t leave you two because

Ma loves you that’s a fact

I’ll raise you; protect you both

That will remain til the sun gives up.

Someday you’ll grow up

to see the world both flip & flap

But in my dearest heart I prayed to God

I hope my love,

You won’t hate the world so much.

Hold that love inside your heart

Be brave and strong no matter what

All is not lost in love and war

have faith cos

that’s all you’ve got.

Still with all the grimes and nasty truth

Let me shout for you

on your birthday

Happy Birthday, Darling!

Much Love,

Mama