Between meaningless and meaningful

Before the sun sets 

                I need to find you somewhere in between the mobilizing rays of the day and the paralyzing beam of nothingness.

But I can’t. I can’t. 

I can’t find you anywhere else but only in between the purest field of birds of paradise in a good soil and the dark blood drawn chariot of a cursed sky.

As the sun gradually sets in kindness, I can’t,  I can’t, I can’t see you around the swollen clouds of death and of irrelevance. 

It seems I haven’t laughed at the parody yet 

I can’t, I can’t bring myself to act upon the abundant noise of mutual futility 

Where fertility does not matter 

Where priority becomes not even the second best 

Where the choice to fill in the void is atrocious 

And I can’t,  I can’t meet you even within the exact rendezvous

Find me. Find me between meaningless and meaningful 

Whereby one is left to figure out the only ‘meaning’ in between. 

 

The only pessimism is to remain a pessimist

I am knocking down the concrete walls in the streets like fresh umbrella mushrooms,

Hitting hard the grand temples of your depressed mind

Pricking the waterless drops of tears in your soul-less eyes

And you tell me,

There is no beauty in family -abuse; raping daughters of sunrise, digging out family inheritance.

Absolutely No. There is no beauty in cruelty, in death in this world compiled in a black chapter book where there is only humans slaughtering men in abattoirs.

There is no beauty in seclusion, in indifference, in randomness even in the plenitude of human affairs.

No, there isn’t.

This world is a controlled HQ where us is kept within a panic room like a child with Asthma sustained merely by some allergy drops.

Life according to a neurotic mind is one remote control with a single click —– flushed out and doomed —– like an automatic toilet bowl invented in Japan or in Germany by another great scientist from the year 8080.

One day you’ll meet a tall, dark stranger ; a movie director ransacking deathbeds, digging deep to show NO beauty in a mother’s cry for her children’s dead bodies.

There is only enough limit in which the human mind can take the evil horrors of life.

So before we become more alienated…

Into the heart of darkness, let your eyes see the unsung childhood sailing away forever

Look deep into the pictures not of golden harvest and organic flush of wind but of war crimes, skin discoloration, the commercialized face-lift, nose jobs and tender oil suction, the poisonous bombing and the publicized hand-served of the UN tribe in a plate of dystopia.

Yes, you told me these words from the other worlds.

Yet as actors and bare performers on a stage with different acts and rotating backdrops, if you know,  the ‘cirque du soliel’ we are.

Go into the heart of things to witness how the world rattles one after the other as people scream in despair with a doggish mind unfollowing god -serving butterflies reinventing the color-wheel eight octaves higher.

As you perceive the Earth, human beings and life in general —

Searching for light with all the good beyond all evil in yourself and the cyclical mud-view that creeps into being,

With all these, you want me to figure it all out.

To see them in your light; I do.

Because we live in the same pig-pen fed of the same pig-sty.

Yes. You tell me everything.

But.

I can’t carry the same seed even if I’m the only one stupid, joke -immuned girl reduced to misunderstand the truth of life’s meaninglessness. 

You tell me, you have a much rancor towards life. 

Isn’t that unfortunate? 

To disqualify yourself of a single life with the way you regard life to be meaningless. 

Isn’t the one who contradicts it desires most of it?

If this is the ground where we lay the foundation, 

All must have committed suicide; —-

           removed of the vitality for life. 

Why?

This is love.

---

Why? This cup I offer you isn’t taken by you. Why?

Are you holding back for something I don’t know? 

Thinking. Deciding. Hiding all of them underneath the sheets of the subconscious 

Resisting the urge, the chemicals; guarding yourself up: through maximum security 

Why? Why? Are you hesitant to walk to me?

Do I resemble the devil who wrecks havoc and gives you pain?

Why? Why are all the stars in your eyes sparkle as fast as shutting them off completely? Like a free shuttle freeing up to the space unheard-of 

Why are you doing this Mr. Hanged man? Are you terrified juggling between two truths? One the reality and the other just an ocean of your desires?

Don’t feel it all by yourself showing me that King of sword act 

Why?

Are you cutting me off like an icepop taken out from the cold freezer hard to be eaten, I should be chopped? 

If you feel that way why won’t you just be honest, let me know if I’m causing you trouble, isn’t that the right thing to do? 

Why? Tell me why?  If you’re seeing me as the Queen of cups, shiny, all good, there’s no way can you be reciprocated? 

Is this your way of saying No? 

I suffer then I stop? 

If it’s true that you calculate, can you also calculate the risk of getting it all right and true?

And if we remove some irrelevant pre-judgment, won’t our wishes come to fruition? 

If this is so bad that you’re afraid of rejection then let me tell you,

You haven’t asked me for an answer, 

       Haven’t wooed me, for me to reject you just yet.

Why are you afraid? What is something that keeps you awake at night?

Justice: if you could give justice then leaving you would have been less painful, But.

Do you really want me to walk away from you?

Why? Why? What are you thinking?  Are you really thinking about me? 

Protection, Security I don’t need them all!

Why? Am I too incompetent to need all your shining armor? 

I’m not! Deal with me the same way you deal the person you love. 

Why do you see me so weak?  Why?

Such brilliant mind only see diminishing results instead of  overflowing abundance? 

This life isn’t perfect and I don’t think I am. Neither do I feel that going and being with you will be ‘perfect’.

No way. No way!

But people don’t come together only to fill the brain but to feel the heart by overcoming hardships and grief.

We are work in progress. Isn’t this what you said? 

Why? Don’t do this to me. 

Please don’t make yourself feel as the only victim.  You are not.

Why? Why Don’t you love yourself? Believe in yourself?

Who you are and what you are, that’s You. Just you. And I love all of them.

If you wonder if you could still trust me well, 

Love me or don’t love me.

Trust me or don’t trust me at all! 

Why would love be any different? 

Compromising our feelings and the possibility of a good relationship? Deleting our precious friendship? 

So why? Why would you let yourself suffer alone, I’m here. 

If I am that sunshine you don’t need to be that shadow avoiding light rays.

You deserve all the light; all the warmth.

All the smiles and all the grace of tranquility. 

Please.. 

Don’t do this. Don’t do this to your wonderful and lovable self.

I am sorry I hurt you, MY HEAD FULL OF EMOTIONAL BRAIN CELLS. 

The Book

The smell of your name’s

                                  patented on a dead page—

in a book held by my left hand.

                                   as my fingers touched the edges of every word

                                                                                                    written;

about you

          & my blinded passion;

together                   

           They all screamed in disdain.

 

 

All my life

My life is a lie 

Living in the wrong skin 

Moving in the wrong space 

Beg to people I hardly even know 

It seems my childhood has flown by

Stuck in the past I still mind 

Everyone is sick 

And I haven’t got a dose of mine 

Now holding a loose rope 

Of loosened strings 

And difficult wirings

Tell me what’s a girl got to do? 

To live it through and through? 

Or forget it so and so?

I follow the world with enough consistency 

However, the one who lives it isn’t the real me 

Masks each tear a promise 

To survive time 

But the one self inside simply just wants to die 

I’ve gone far strangely enough 

Been to some places happy 

And served few men as their deity 

But I’ve never really been to me. 

I don’t want to work

I wake up at six in the morning only to sigh deeply. 

My body moves slowly it does not seem to get out of the bed how lonely 

It is when the arms of the sun reach out for your eyes every day it appears 

The excitement has gone somewhere you’d wish it’s gone forever in your smile. 

You look at the window and pray it’s dark –not wanting to bathe and have breakfast. 

I don’t want to work it kills me as if I already know the scent of love beyond the flower field

The door likes to tempt I feel some issues are there waiting like soldiers outside they choke me so

I go out and take a walk then stand in front of the roses and white lilies to 

Light a cigarette and smoke I don’t want to work, have dinner and work even 

If it makes me fortunate like what others say because my heart is not there 

To tango with the music the office is playing for me.

I don’t want to work I only want to smoke and smoke because my life’s so full of mud 

It’s hard to get along, Amado mio.

Talking to a stuffed teddy bear 🐻

Because you don’t love me I have myself talked to a stuffed teddy bear at night when my sadness becomes my new lingerie

This stuffed animal sits on the edge of my bed with melting eyes as it cheers me 

“screw him!”

All because you don’t listen to my drunken speech about you who never loves me

Makes me speak to a lifeless friend and sometimes 

Teaches me fight like that of a UFC warrior to which I’m not sure I’d win against the oddities this life serves me 

Along with the curve gaffes and wind breakers 

How I want you never gaze at the darkness behind the black curtain

Takes me to the spot with my teddy bear and cry humanly on its lap 

Because you never capture my deck of subjectivity in an era of probability. 

One of my favorites

 

One of my favorites is grating my bones for pulverized minerals, make blood dance in a sieve as if they’ve got a life of their own. Then, let alone taste them.