Paint the anxiety out of you

I’m anxious when I’m on a one to one conversation with a man who genuinely stares at me. I feel like I’m so dirty that the only thing I want to do is run or hide and get frustrated after knowing that I’m only running in a maze inside my brain. And in reality I’m still sitting in front of him and I just have to deal with it. 

I’m anxious when I’m suddenly asked to do something or to perform in front of a crowd who knows me. My heart leaps so fast then down slow I can feel my pulse rate depleting and I find it hard to breathe. 

I’m anxious when I suddenly hear something popping out like an explosion. I feel like I want to run for cover I don’t even know where. Sometimes I scream I want to cry out of embarrassment thinking I’m overreacting when the rest are just laughing at the situation.

I’m anxious when I’m so deep in my thoughts and suddenly someone sneaks behind my back I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells I can only dare give a disgusting grin or wish they are never there. 

I’m anxious when out of the blue my crush talks to me in a group of people suddenly. I feel like I want to exit from the moment. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to talk to your crush?  But I don’t know I feel so hot all over my body I don’t want him to see me like that thinking he might laugh at my weakness, come running to me asking if I’m ok or asking me if there’s something wrong or to say the least, I’m weird.

I’m anxious when I’m trying to beat myself for an answer to questions I don’t even know others have asked or weave stories about the reasons why things happen or don’t happen only to find myself talking to ‘myself’ in public. Then when I notice them watching I feel so screwed in my own brain’s knots and my heart’s mad racing. 

I’m anxious just thinking about having to explain my side of story to someone insensitive of my feelings. 

There are a lot of things that make me anxious or can trigger a panic attack in me. I try not to show it; to keep it low-key.  So that others  will not worry about me or worse run away from me. 

But..

There are a few life hacks I’ve made to calm myself down. 

– I smile or laugh so crisp like I’m crazy. 

– I try to draw any thing on a piece of paper to channel my anxiety even if I know I look so evasive and disrespectful to other people. 

– I try to practice my breathing pattern like 10,000 times silently or else I’ll start shaking and sweating. 

– I try to avoid any task and say I don’t want to even if I really want to do it. 

– I try to press in and out a pen or a marker as if they’re so mighty they give me the right strength I need. 

– Most of the time household chores for me aren’t just a chore they’re my ways to self-meditate or self-analyze. 

– I dance and then laugh 

-I write and then monologue my fears in my head

-I listen to music and then cry

-And if I can, I take a long walk alone. 

– I try to be and stay positive no matter what 

I practice self-care for my anxiety since I’m rationally aware of its causes but sometimes can’t help but feeling such and most of the time it’s difficult to open up about it especially when I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. 

–Poem-

Feel the fear and do it anyway 

They carve in the head;

They feed the cells. 

They shake the nerves;

And make sleep a fantasy. 

Too obscure to be a reality.

Sometimes I wake up 

In the middle of the night 

Only to stay up til the morning light. 

A mere ‘don’t worry’ Or ‘you’ll be fine’ don’t stop the emotional surge 

Though I’m grateful how one shows s/he cares.

Sometimes I just want to be alone 

To enjoy a breathing room 

To recharge 

Restart 

And 

Move on. 

Because

a lot is at risk 

If I suddenly malfunction. 

So I paint my anxiety out and 

Mix it with my passion. 

To gain control of the situation.