Nothing better

the insides of my mind are helpless. and the extreme blood flow is fogging my line of vision. about to let go of her only sanity.

 

Nothing better.

nothing better.

 

how does one ever learn to turn grief into happiness? How does one ever learn all of this?

 

I never learn it. Grief is grief. But happiness represents many things. I never learn the opposite.

 

The loudest kid is the shiest one. the most colorful as the saddest. and the brighter one makes the darkest. Do you know that saying?

 

And that makes me’It.’

 

 

 

nothing better.

 

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someone died. and because I couldn’t stand looking at all the memories that were left around, I chose to stay uninvolved as if I never felt it or never saw it.

 

who wouldn’t?

who isn’t afraid?

 

would things get any better if I continue to just hang on?

 

what would you have said and done if you were asked the same question out of desperation?

 

I turned away. not looking back.

 

so he died.

 

if he was freer or not, pained or relieved, no one can know any of that.

 

now, I’m going through all of it. Seeing things I never realized were there until I got to see them myself. Having a lot of options but none of them gives me any thing significant. all things seemed a bit hurried and even I who happened to be there with him, it felt like deja vú.

 

what would you do? kept echoing back and forth.

 

To be in a place I so wanted to escape. Life really has its way of paying back those who tries to reverse the rules or change it.

 

shame, guilt and self-deprecation, fear and constant loneliness

 

would things get any better if I stop right now?

 

waking up at a beach, a place with no name.

 

 

 

 

will this be my place now?

 

 

reply#4 Little Flowers

black hummingbird flying near flower

Photo by kendall hoopes on Pexels.com

 

The day my heart peeked out of the window

I learned to see the beauty of the night’s view

I get the feeling that I want to end this day with your shadow 

If I were to be honest, I would like to go home on my own

It’s a day when my self-esteem really hits rock bottom

I can’t see everyone like this

so please take care

I’m going home

As I slowly walk

I never knew that a sidewalk could be filled with beautiful lamps too

They shine so bright wherever they might be

And the tears truly won’t stop dampening this beautiful view

It makes me tremble 

I wasn’t always this weak

Do you know my feelings?

As today passes by whenever that might be

the little flowers are now pressed on to the sidewalk

when the wind rattled the trees branches

the cold wind that knows what you’re going through

but still helps you anyway

Praying that I am not hurting as much as the pressed flowers on the pavement

When the rain slams on every window

waking up the night with her nuisance

All the painful memories will be heard and watched once again

and those little flowers will fall more of them

You came out of the taxi and rushed to touch me on my back

Wherever we might be I cried with you that night

And told me you’ll erase all my painful memories whatever they might be

I could care less about what people are going to see or if they have something to say

but I knew your working shirt was fully drenched with my sweat and tears

This unfortunate and poor me

What is there to do?

I can wash your T-shirt and make it look brand new

It would smell new flowers too.

More than anything today, I feel that I have to be grateful and in pain

as I understand what’s attacking me on that day inside of me

I ran off and told you to take care

as I followed the shadow that sees me

I grew to love this way 

holding your hand whenever that might be

and cry trembling out of fear and fatigue

 

These little flowers are falling endlessly

The sidewalk that we are now walking on are filled with little flowers without even knowing that we have changed

Glowing and shining with our bright smiles

Have I really lived on just like this?

And thought I was holding your hand?

wanting to do whatever, however I can

I’ve learned that I can be loved like this

If by chance, I’ll learn to glow like the lamps and the stars

I’ll shine brightly for you even on evenings of freaking mistakes and troubled hearts too when sad nights and weekend offs are drenched with warm tears 

As I watch the first fall of these little flowers this year right now

In this moment that we share together

I want to give you my all

You’ll know more of my heart and won’t be counting days such as today in your head

Look at me, don’t cry, I’ll stay by your side

With you wherever there are little flowers and shining lights might still be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reply # 3: I’m sorry

You and I, inside a bowl of memory
Memories filled with moments of sweetness and warmth
The two of us
Reminiscing those feelings again
We laugh, we cry
Together, we did everything

Were you left with the same warmth and longing, too?
Or perhaps, was I someone different in your view?
Would you please tell me?
I want to ask you, I want to know
If I were the only one perceiving things positively
What memories were you left with?

It feels like I’m always alone
Talking to myself alone, I’m talking to myself on my own
Always having my own thoughts
Telling stories that I wish you know
Feelings of defeat and shame
Was I this indifferent all along?
When I thought of you
When I walked this road with you
When I was inside my head, you looked profoundly happy
A story of delusion, a piece of obsession

I was awfully bad
I was selfish to the very end
Did you struggle more?
Because of me, this happy memory becomes resentment
When I look at you, I’m sadder than ever
Until the end

You left me
Now I’m pursuing this memory
Memories of you forgetting me without a hint of doubt
Like this, you and I, collapsed
This story of our irreconcilable differences
When I look back, can I take back
All the good memories we cherish?

I’m sorry, Sorry, so sorry that I am sorry
I’ll be fine now that I am sorry
I’m sorry

Reply # 2: Selene to Endymion (the distance between us)

 

 

After awhile, your sleeping figure has caught my eyes. I, the goddess of the moon personified, have my gaze set upon you

I smiled to myself so I could endure not reaching for your face

 

Standing at the edge of your life, dearest, If only I have known, I would have thrown everything away to be by your side

 

In the darkness of the night, though you never see my stride or hear my cries, you shall have my wings so you too can fly. To be closer to you, it seems, this heart desires to know the stories of your life above the sky

 

Why are you making that face? Here I am. Flying over you with my winged-chariot.

 

The tides change and the strength of the waves are becoming different, do you perhaps cause them to stir and shake? – Would you call my curiosity greed?

 

I was with you as with the starry skies every night. Since when did you and I become this close? Can I move even more closer? You see,the heavenly footpath I’m tredging is distancing me further away from you.

 

 

In the darkness of the night, though you never see my stride or hear my cries, you shall have my wings so you too can fly. To be closer to you, it seems, this heart brightly desires the path below the sky

 

Why are you making that face? Here I am. Flying over you with my winged-chariot.

 

For a Goddess to act out of foolishness over a mortal who’ve chosen to have an everlasting sleep—

 

It seems you are more than special as I can’t flip this virtuous heart around.

 

I hover over you, hover over your ears to whisper you my name, Selene. But just like the wind words won’t reach, love can only pass us by.

 

What Special is there for you and me?

 

 

In the darkness of the night, though you never see my stride or hear my cries, you shall have my wings so you too can fly. To be closer to you, it seems, this heart’s full of fluttering desires how to just fall down from the sky

 

Why are you making that face? Here I am. Flying over you with my winged-chariot.

 

Hovering over you, whispering to you til I can be with you.

 

 

 

Reply# 1 At the end of your day

The day has been long

You’ve been too exhausted by now

Welcome home

You’ve worked hard

 

Come to my bed, have some rest

Wallow in the warmth of my palm as I go through each of your tensed muscle

Get yourself a tender hug

Before you close the day

 

The world outside is different

You became the person the world expected you to be

But at home, we can be honest

And aim to put down our mask, one by one by one

 

I’m sure at the end of a tiring day

Your bed,  your pillow, your blanket will be freshly made by me

Lay down your worries and let go of being fantastic

For today, you are just you and I am just me

Let us be together

 

When I turn off the lamp, be sure not to think of the weather outside

You have lived a different world with a different frame of time

The day as the night, the night as the day

Let’s make no mistake

As we shrink deep into a loving embrace

Your breath will sync mine

To be in each other’s comforting smile

 

Like the scent of lavender and rose oil

That gather around this room

I want to be with you

At the end of your day, pained by worries and awkward mistakes

I, your Queen, am waiting for you

In this room filled with lavender and rose oil

We gather ourselves as we recharge our strength

 

Come to my bed, have some rest

Wallow in the warmth of my palm as I go through each of your tensed muscle

Get yourself a tender hug

Before you close the day

 

My love, your tears are precious, your laughters are gold

I’ll be sure to catch them, I’ll be sure to keep them

Cry all you want, laugh all you want

I’ll take your innocence, I’ll save them all

Till eternity, I’ll hold your shine as I do to my heart

That loves the you who shines so bright and weep like a child

Til we get used seeing each other like this

 

Just like this, at the end of a weary day,

 

My love, you are my prize,

You end the job well done

Come to my bed and rest for a little while.

 

 

 

 

 

a talk alone

flower9

 

 

What’s difficult is being honest with oneself
In the years to come, I hope to have an honest experience with myself when I would not worry about getting others hurt because of me.
Where does it all come from?
Perhaps I am a person who’s bad at enjoying her youth since I worry too much about making others feel left out or cry.
My life is busy looking after these things that others find menial.
Do my scars, bruises and memories reflect on these too?
I guess you could say that.
Things that make me sad and out of sorts are the same things that make me sharp and excited. Would it make me happy, too?
Well, if you put it that way. Yes.
When people say “You’re a lot better than me. Because you are good at this or that then, for sure you can____.’ I know it’s easy for you.”
These words can sometimes be filled or can merely be gradient to me. I am happy because I can feel that sense of good affirmation about myself from the point of view of others. But it makes me sad at the same time knowing that these words come from another person’s inferiority and pain.
How hard it must be for them although I am only speaking for the minority and feeling from the people who matter to me.
For them to deliver such words, how hard it must be not to paint their anxiety and pain.
When they are like this, it’s hard to reach that point of honest concession as to how we both truly feel towards each other.
However, I really love to hear these words “ I’m on your side.” “I’m listening.” “Let’s try it again.” These words reflect home for me even though I know that other people feel differently about these things.
I feel like I’m being honest to myself and I can trust others sympathetic words towards me as well. Since humans are always allowed to grow, others tend to put these things to silence, forgetting and letting it go as in a waste water.
Don’t I sound even more worried?
There’s tightness I feel inside my breast, it’s heavy but I can’t seem to put it down.
Perhaps people can fathom its depth but as to what degree this cold, dark and heavy feeling is affecting me, no one knows.
I must have explained myself all too many times, hints would have been too obvious by now, but I guess, humans have it easy dismissing someone’s words of confession as something little or easy to understand. Thus, help doesn’t come at all. In the end, the effort to succeed fails and no longer can it be overridden.

Do I want it? Do I enjoy it? Not the least bit, my friend.

Letting go of one’s hand is not the most painful. Not believing in someone isn’t either. It’s when we are together for so long but you haven’t noticed the slightest signs I’ve given you. It’s when you shut me in before I could even spread my sheets. It’s when you’re comfortable even though I feel miserable, then, you ask ”What’s wrong?” but turns your back before I could even lift a finger.”

And I always wonder while looking at your back and fully spread shoulders, how far have we come to turn this way as humans?

Would you say I looked fine yesterday? Would you say I was happy writing words in my notebook that day? Would you say I thought we were o.k? Would you say I wish I knew this would happen? Would you say I can’t forgive myself for being so untrustworthy? Would you say you weren’t at fault because I never told you or showed you?

What’s the point of all the fuss now?

Even you have already given up on the thought of doing something. Let’s be honest.
But it’s never your fault. It’s all because of me. It’s because I should be when I should have been.

But what can be changed now?
If only I cease to exist.

Everything would still be normal. Memories would still come out clean and intact as if hearing a tiny voice from afar thinking it was just the wind blowing gently. Not someone or any one.

Death.

Is it so flashy? To die because it’s better that way? Is it so great?

I wish I could die to know the answer then come back unscathed to tell you of my amazing experience.
Would that be fair enough?